ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING: Recognizing male battering and befriending men

“Not all men are assholes.” This is the cry of an emotionally shattered man left by his woman for a career.

“Not all men are bums;” a man crying after having been rejected by his woman for another man.And so is that of a man left by his girl for another woman.

“I’m tired of being too much depended,” a despondent male sighing in disgust. “Why does it have to be all my responsibility,” an exasperated guy wailed.

Generally, we talk of battered women like any ordinary thing stereotype of a woman. But, look around and listen, we also have an increasing number of battered men.

What is battering? One may ask. “To batter” means to beat with successive blows so as to bruise, to shatter or to demolish; to bombard; to subject to strong overwhelming or repeated attack. When a person is battered, he could be physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually ormorally tortured.

Battering is also known by the term “domestic violence” and refers to acts of violence between two parties in an intimate relationship. Battering happens in heterosexual and homosexual relationships and either a male or a female can be the batterer or victim of battering.

There’s a common outcry of women battering that have been overplayed.  So why not talk on the issue of men or male battering.According to some report, incidence of male abuse is now on the rise, with 12 to 15 out of every 100 couples in the Philippines alone.

When is a man battered? A battered man is one whose dignity has been trampled by disrespect, selfishness or self-centeredness of another. A man is battered when he allows his woman to dictate things upon him and calls the shot all the time in minor to major decisions in life. This is seen between domineering terrorist wives/wifies and submissive husbands/hubbies.

A man whose wife is a manic nag or even just a nag is also a battered man. Emotional and verbal abuses are sickening. A man who has an over dependent wife who asks for more that even her basic necessities like a shampoo, toothpaste and lipstick, she still asks from his man. Aman whose partner is a manipulative “Bilmoko” or “ibilimoakoniyan, nito,”etc, makes a man emotionally, and financially abused or drained.

Men battering also come in emotional blackmail. Most men can’t stand a woman who cries. And there’s another kind of battering which is psychological, when a woman threatens to commit suicide if a man leaves him or uses the kids to get her across. All these intend to shatter, to demolish, to bombard or to torture someone, men or women. I always tell my circle of female friends that when a man loves you, he loves you. And that no one can chase the wind. So let him go and have a life of your own. Why make things hard when you can make it easy.

Going back to male battering, men also have illusions about women being delicate, sweet, loving, caring and nurturing. Therefore it is hard to believe that they can also be so destructive and calculating.As always, because it is our culture, these things have not been looked into and dwell at, women and women, it’s always the women who are being placed on pitiful or pathetic situations. Blame male chauvinism and sexism for that, or perhaps the culture and the society.

I love people generally both men and women, and I accept the LGBTQIA (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual) with enough respect too. I also have my own set of male friends who can be trusted and be respected. The sad thing, is, our kind of culture and society raised eyebrows to certain degree of closeness between male and female. They always associate sexual attachment to it, which seem unfair.

Speaking of biases there were timeswhen Idislike maleness, roughness, impatience, insensitivity, and self-inflation that we sometimes unfairly associate with men more than to women. Somehow the years have brought wisdom and to some degree mellowed us down.

I’ve discovered that I wanted to know and understand maleness, my own, as well as those with others, both male and female, in particular. To have male friends, real ones, not the ones who’ll use you for fantasy or for ego bolstering or for what other selfish reasons, is a vital part of becoming adult and a whole human being.

“We have been prescribed with roles that have mired us in prudish myths and girlish fears when learning more of ourselves, being compassionate and having more wisdom should accompany us in our mature years.”

Maybe it is good to have the conviction that responsible adulthood must include the ability to develop friendships, in various degrees of affection and intimacy with men in the same way we forged relationships with women.

Men to men, women to women, men to women relationships, LGBTQIA bonds that are far from sexual and erotic but on friendly terms; a growing relationship that will not only benefit both but that of the society. This way, we do not look at things just on one side, but on other sides and as a whole; and I don’t think battering on both male and female will still be an issue then. There will be no more assholes and bums, no nags and bitches. If only we try and work hard to know and understand one another.

Battering comes only to those who allow themselves to be battered. There are no tyrants where there are no slaves and likewise. Stay away from anything rotten and unhealthy. It is when no one else can love you, as you are, that you need to love yourself more, if not the most. Your happiness is your responsibility. Men and women, LGBTQIA,battered or not, generally love human beings who love and respect themselves.

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